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Old King Cole

by Ken Campbell

Published by OBERON BOOKS

(Extract taken from "LAMDA Acting Anthology, Volume 1", Published by Oberon).

This play follows the adventures of the amazing Faz, an inventor-cum-magician and his feeble-minded assistant Twoo. Here, we find Baron Wadd and Cyril the Fiddler fighting over Princess Daphne's hand in marriage. The event is reported to the crowd by the MASTER OF CEREMONIES or sports commentator.

MC: My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Wembley Sports Stadium for another afternoon of assorted sport. We have an especially exciting Contest here for you today. A Special Nine Round Royal Challenge Match between Baron Wadd and Cyril the Fiddler. In the snazzy, bri-nylon track suit - Cyril the Fiddler! And in the brown, egg-stained dressing-gown - Baron Wadd!...

A one round contest. One Knockout of a count of ten to decide the winner. Seconds out.

[GONG; Bong!]

(Commentating.) ...And the Baron is on the floor right away... He's trying to heave himself up... but some unseen, invisible force seems to be holding his glove to the floor.., Meanwhile Cyril satisfies himself with a left then a right, then a beautiful left hook there to the Baron's hindquarters ...the Baron now straining to get up... he makes an almighty effort...and yes, he's now on his feet... but he's staggering about, his muscles, which have been described as being like baby sparrow's knee-caps, seemingly quite out of control ...he's fallen now into the arms of the Track Officials...the Track Officials swing him back into the fray.. .one of the Baron's swinging gloves strikes Cyril a blow!... Cyril falls!!! What an extraordinary turn of events. (He leaps into ring to count CYRIL out.) One. Two. Three. (CYRIL gets up.) But Cyril is on his feet again after a count of three. The crowd here at Wembley going mad with excitement... Cyril, all time Olympic Champion, knocked down for a count of three, by Baron Wadd, who experts claim is in fact the weediest man in the entire world.. .but the effort of the blow seems to have sapped the remainder of the Baron's almost non-existent strength...the Baron looking very groggy as Cyril moves in ...a vicious left, by Cyril... a right to the body.. .a left to the jaw... the Baron falls against Cyril.. .Cyril appearing to hold the Baron up in a clinch., .the Baron coming in for an immense amount of punishment from this great figure of the Fighting world, Cyril the Fiddler...

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